Here’s to John Lovitz, My New Hero
Dear John Lovitz,
You are my new hero. If you have a fan club, I want to become a member, scratch that, I want two memberships and I’ll pay for them both.
When I read on Digg yesterday that you used Andy Dick’s head to polish a comedy club bar, my spirits actually lifted. I’m not a violent person, I don’t believe in using force against your fellow man, but this is not a fellow man we’re talking about, it’s Andy Dick.
What you did wasn’t just a matter of standing up for your departed friend Phil Hartman, you stood up for every decent human being in the world that has been tormented by his antics over the years. Between licking Carrie Fisher’s face, peeing in front of a reporter, Groping Ivanka Trump and doing more drink and drugs than I care to think about, Andy has exhibited every deplorable human behavior imaginable (and a few that weren’t imaginable before he did them) and has faced no ill consequences for them.
That is, until you, Mr. Lovitz, stepped in.
Let’s Sing a Song to Mr. Lovitz
Even the straight-laced media is having a hard time stiffling the chuckles. Sure, we’re all a little stunned that you turned out to be such a bad ass, but we’re eternally grateful for it.
I would love nothing more than to see you take on Andy in a UFC-style MMA contest. However, knowing Andy, he wouldn’t take it seriously enough to make it interesting. He’d probably show up in a clown costume, play with the horn in his pants and run around the Octagon like a school girl until you caught him.
The beatdown would be satisfying, but knowing that’s how he wanted it would take the edge off of it.
No, it had to come like this, a surprise attack after Andy shot his mouth off. It’s perfect. Instant retribution and no chance for him to put a (bad) comedic spin on it. It’s over, it’s done, he lost and no matter what he says or does now the whole world is going to know that he got his ass beat by you Mr. Lovitz. You!
Yes, you will go down in history my friend. You will from henceforth be known as the man who did what we all wanted to do, beat the living crap out of Andy Dick.
It makes me happy just saying it.
Revel in your glory Mr. Lovitz. Don’t apologize for what you did, no apologies are necessary. We all understand and, given the opportunity and motive you had, would have done the same. In fact, if anything, you were probably generous.
And Andy, if you happen to run across this open letter in one of those rare moments you aren’t high on cocaine or drunk off your ass, I hope that this incident serves as a lesson. You’re not edgy, you’re not avant-guard, you’re an annoying asshole. Comparing yourself to Andy Kaufman, is a disgrace to the better Andy’s legacy.
You’re just a jerk and you got what you deserved. Like I said, I don’t usually condone violence but in your case I make an exception. For too long you’ve gotten away with being a jerk. No one has stood up to you, they’ve kept booking you for roles and against all odds you’ve had a career relatively free of bodily harm.
Now you’re not laughing at the world nor are you laughing with it, the world is laughing at you. Your type of “comedy” and your lifestyle have repercussions. Don’t forget it.
Maybe next time it won’t be John Lovitz reaching out for your head, it might be Bas Rutten.
You can only push people so far Andy. The world understands that and that’s why we’re all behind Mr. Lovitz.
Because you had it coming…
Sincerely,
John Black
Comments
Leave a Reply
