Death to the CD Key
Dear Game Developers,
There are only a few greater joys in my life than popping in an old favorite computer game and making it new again. Whether I’m enjoying a rousing round of Age of the Empires 2 or Max Payne, there’s a lot to be said about playing a (slightly) older computer game.
First, the games work, the first time, every time (unless it’s made by SEGA). There’s no worries about RAM requirements, bad performance or hangups. Your modern system can play these games flawlessly at the same time its downloading recipes from Argentina and cataloging your ten gigabyte porn collection.
Second, they’re still fun. If you enjoyed a game five years ago, you’ll probably enjoy it today. You can’t tell me that Half-Life 1 isn’t more fun than Doom 3 (of course, gluing your finger up your ass is more fun than the latter). Weaker graphics aside, everyone still gets giddy about the gameplay of older games, even if they won’t admit it.
Finally, they’re free or dirt cheap. If you don’t have them already, you can pick them up from the bargain bin in a flea market for a quarter and a can of Raid (I usually throw in deodorant to sweeten the deal). You don’t have to blow fifty bucks on a game that might not work or will probably suck. You can get a good, working game for a fraction of the cost.
So imagine my joy as I sit upon a literal mountain of old computer games. Classics from all genres and all walks of life. Now imagine my frustration since I can’t install half of them. Their CD keys have long since gone the way of the dodo and they are on their way to becoming Christmas tree decorations, and I don’t even celebrate Christmas.
Arrgh Matey.
But no matter how much I hate pirates, I hate these stupid counter-measures even have more. An FBI warning is annoying but harmless, but a CD key is the fastest way I know to turn a treasured game into a skeet.
The idea is pretty ridiculous from the outset. Supposedly, if you put a lengthy key in the jewel case of booklet of a game, no one will be able to copy the disk because they won’t have the key. So, let me guess, we don’t have pens or pencils anymore? Is Windows shipping without a clipboard feature? Did every copy machine just suffer a fatal paper jam?
The damn CD key is easier to copy than the disk. In the time my computer burns one copy of a game I can hand write out a dozen copies of the key. I’m sorry. It’s not a deterrent, at least not one that can’t be beaten with a permanent market and a CD label.
You know who those do hurt? People like me. People that buy the damn games, spending our money to line your pockets. We’re the ones losing the jewel cases, having the flimsy things break or watch your cheap shit ink fade over the years. It is us, the good guys, we’re the ones you’re punishing.
I have an entire binder filled with over 40 CDs, most of which I can’t even play. Should I have taken better care of my jewel cases? Probably. But you move four times in five years and see how many of your jewel cases you have. I’m lucky I have a desk at this point. Hell, I’m lucky my wife hasn’t left me behind yet.
Those CDs are fucking useless. They aren’t even good for anything else. They make terrible Frisbees, they scratch up the table too much to be coasters and pets hate them. I guess I could try the old CD in the microwave trick, but that just doesn’t seem satisfying.
Why, because I want to play my fucking games, not see a spark show.
Another Crack in the Wall
So let me get this straight. I bought the CD, paid for it, and now to play it I have to crack it. That doesn’t sit well with me for two reasons.
- It’s Illegal: I’m not against breaking the law when needed, but this is a violation of the anti-circumvention clause of the DMCA. Given the pissed-off mood some copyright holders have been in lately, I don’t want to get a nastygram because some idiot in Silicon Valley thought a CD Key was a great idea.
- It’s Dangerous: Have you been by these cracks sites? They are loaded with spyware, viruses and popup porn ads. You need a fucking hazmat suit just to log in. Forget the file sharing police, its those spambot networks that really scare the Hell out of me. If I wanted to be constantly assaulted by viruses and backdoors, I’d jump in a sewer.
Yet, it’s the only option other than buying another copy, if I can find it, or getting some good shooting practice with my bright, shiny new targets.
Bottom Line
Do you know what I’m going to start this weekend? A database. That’s right, a fucking database. I am going to create a database of all my games and their CD keys. I’m going to back it up in a dozen different places and I’m going to add to it as I gain new titles.
This is going to take me hours just to add the ones I have at the ready. It could take me weeks to find all of the ones I do have and I’ll probably never find all of them.
But why is this my responsibility? Because some douchebag thinks it’s OK to distribute a copy of the game to whoever they want? Yeah, that’s fair. But at least the CDs you download off the Web or get from friends have the CD key on them. You know, unlike the legal ones.
If you insist on putting CD keys on everything, at least have the decency, and the common sense, to put a fucking copy on the CD itself. If you’re going to give me the joy of typing in 20 random characters the least you can do is copy it down in two places. One off the CD so I can install it easy and one on the disk itself so I don’t fantasize about taking a baseball bat to your car when I lose the first copy.
So please, developers, use your fucking heads. Think this through all of the way and quick ruining my favorite games.
If I have to buy one more copy of Diablo II, I might have to hurt someone…
Sincerely,
John Black
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