How NOT to Hold a Job Interview
Dear Unnamed Local Fake College,
It was a week ago today that I got the call. You had received my application for employment and wanted to see me for an interview.
“Great news!” I thought. I had been looking for some part time, evening work to supplement my income and your position was one of the few available.
“The interview will be at 6:30 on the 25th,” said the man on the other line, his deep voice making it seem more like a spy mission than a job interview.
Now I’ve been on dozens of job interviews, but none began like this. I’ve spent hours of my life scheduling these things but never have I been given a “take it or leave it” time and place. Yet, the date and time were good, it was a Wednesday, the wife gets home early, no scheduling problems. I could make it easily.
I accepted.
Little did I know that your interview was going to literally fuck me out of two hours of my life and that you would showcase a level of incompetence that is generally only reserved for people in Government here in New Orleans.
If you had thought about what you were doing for three seconds or given an ounce of care for the people you called in, you wouldn’t have pissed off myself and a dozen other people, most of them educators.
You screwed this one up and, because I’m such a nice, caring guy, I’ll tell you where you went wrong.
The Story
However, that is not your fault and I digress.
When I got there, at exactly six thirty, there was no one there to greet me. I had to stammer my way into the receptionist office and then wait ten minutes for her to stop yacking with her damn friend on the phone and talk to me.
While I was waiting for her lips to stop moving another woman showed up asking about the same interview. Now I was really confused. I’ve been to many interviews, but none were gangbangs. I suddenly got this image of a reality show where we were voted out of the college or something. It felt funny and I almost left right then. I wish that I had.
Finally, after the receptionist shuts up, I think she forgot to breathe, she directed the two of us to the room where everyone was meeting. It was upstairs, on the second floor, in a random classroom.
In that classroom was about forty people. The problem is that the damn room could only seat 25. It was standing room only with fifteen of us or so crammed along a side wall.
Then it gets worse, the guy starts talking. He goes over the “illustrious” history of your fake-ass massage school and all about your “exponential” growth. Proof he needs a dictionary since there was nothing illustrious about the college nor exponential about the growth. Merely not as fake as you think and growing kind of fast.
Still, it takes him nearly an hour, a fucking hour, to get to actually talking about the positions.
Halfway through his presentation, he asks if there is anyone from the Carolinas. Me, like a moron, raise my hand. He asks where I’m from, I tell him Columbia, South Carolina, where I was born and raised. We exchange a few pleasantries and jokes before he tells the room that “Columbia is the worst city he has ever lived in,” and that “It has no right to be there.”
Then, after insulting me in front of the room, he drops the bombshell on everyone else. They’re only looking for three positions. Three. Forty people in the room, three positions. The math doesn’t look good folks. Worse still, he rambles off the positions, none of them are one I applied for, none are part time and, worse yet, I’m not even qualified for any of them unless I can shit out a CPA license in the next thirty seconds.
Finally, after all of that, he allows anyone who is not interested to leave. At that point myself, along with half of the room, start to mob the door. The rest of the room, I guess, showed up for the right position and stayed. Downstairs, a melee ensued, people mobbing the receptionists wondering about other positions, most quite angry.
I left though, I had a wife to go home to and two hours of my life to make up for.
Some questions
Now that I’ve gone through and told the story, I want to go back through it and point out all of the stuff that could be improved.
First, staring when I arrived, why the fuck weren’t there any signs to this meeting room? If you have a lot of people going to a room, shouldn’t you prepare for them a bit? A few signs? A greeter? Anything other than a receptionist with a severe case of restless lip syndrome? I guess I could have roamed the building playing Marco Polo, at least that would have been fun but I doubt I would have gotten there on time.
Second, looking at the room itself, if you’re going to invite forty people to a room, shouldn’t you make sure that the room can actually seat forty fucking people? Couldn’t you find a larger classroom or meet somewhere off-site? Were half of us supposed to sit in each others laps? If that’s the case, I nominate the brunette girl in the black dress and big boobs. she can sit on my lap any time she wants. Outside of her, that room was a leper colony (to borrow from Seinfeld).
Third, don’t insult my hometown you motherfucking asshole. I know my language with this letter is a bit more harsh than usual but I am sorry. Summer’s Eve isn’t as big of a douche as you are. I don’t really give two flying fucks what you think about Columbia, it’s no New Orleans, that is why I moved here, but I like it a lot better than the shithole you’re from in North Carolina.
Oh yeah, and go Duke you UNC-loving bastard. I never liked Duke before but I just became a huge Blue Devils fan knowing how much you love UNC. I’ll sure as Hell be rooting for them now.
Fourth, don’t make us sit around for an hour talking about the school when you know most of us won’t care the second you tell us about the jobs. Not only did you not offer the position many of us applied for, but your hours suck (11-8 my aching ass) your benefits suck and I don’t think anyone in that room wants to work for you. I know I sure as Hell didn’t.
Finally though, if you bring people in to interview for a job, make damn well certain you’re offering the job they applied for. Not only were myself and others that applied for my position upset but you also cheesed off half a dozen candidates for the Education Director position you apparently advertised for. Yeah, not a great way to treat potential high-level employees.
Seriously, how would you feel if you made an appointment to go to an appliance store and look at microwaves. You got there and, after an hour-long speech about how great the store was, you found out they only had refrigerators right then. You’d be pretty ticked off. That’s exactly how I feel.
Put yourself in my shoes, my wife’s shoes, my dog’s shoes, anyone’s shoes but your own you rich, greedy, inconsiderate douchebag.
Bottom Line
I’ve redacted your name from this open letter. Why? Because you have my resume in your greasy hands and have enough of my personal information to make my life miserable. I’m sure even you can figure out who the Hell I am it’s not like I’m fucking hard to track down or anything.
Even though everything I’ve said is true and was witnessed by forty of my peers, I don’t want a call from you, even if it is just to apologize. I don’t fear you but I have better things to do than be annoyed by you some more. You’ve already robbed me of two hours of my life I’ll never get back, I’m not letting your ass take more.
I don’t care if your college is as great as you say it is, I will never, ever consider working there again. I wouldn’t consider going there as a student, especially since real college is actually cheaper, and I will never, ever will set foot on your campus again.
You and your entire school can go to Hell and if I get in a position to hire people, I won’t even accept a degree from your school.
It’s all a crock of shit, I know it and now I’ve seen it first hand. My advice to anyone thinking about your school, get a real fucking degree.
Don’t call me again.
Lots of love,
John Black
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I once got a call from some company I applied and on of the very first questions was…. R u married?
I was like… Do you have a job for me or u wanna be my fucking godfather?
He was silent for like…5 seconds and then he said…
I will not hang up now…
And I said… Good, cause I will.
And I did.