Neighbors From Hell
Note: After a far-too-long hiatus this I’ve returned to this site. I’m going to be updating Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays for the foreseeable future. Special editions when something really sets me off.
Dear Neighbors,
When I moved into this house I was really looking forward to the neighborhood. It was a quiet, middle class section of New Orleans. Low crime, good people, a few passable roads and a sense of city pride.
Before my wife and I plunked down well over $150,000 on the house, we did everything right. We checked the crime maps, looked at the flood elevations and, most importantly, shook hands with every single one of our future neighbors.
If I had known that two of you were going to turn out to be such craven douchebags I would have run away as fast as I could and gotten kept renting my life away where I was. Landlords suck, but bad neighbors suck worse.
No, you were able to fake being decent human beings for about five minutes and it was only after I signed the mortgage papers and moved in my stuff that your true colors showed. The result, now I’m stuck in purgatory with two sets of neighbors that even Satan himself wouldn’t want to live next to.
“Why?” You ask. Well, I’ll tell you why.
Neighbors #1
How many people do you have living in your house? Seriously. I want to know. I’ve met at least five there (though only two introduced themselves to me before the move) and I know of at least one new addition. I figure there has to be at least seven adult humans in that house, not counting one big dog and probably a few annoying cats.
My gripe with you guys isn’t the people who own the house, you know, the parents, but rather their children, cousins, friends and strangers that share the roof. The couple that owns the place is a nice, quiet couple that works hard. Their offspring, however, obtained none of those qualities. They do nothing but drink beer, stand out in their yard and make noise all day.
What’s worse is that, even though none of these morons seem to be capable of living on their own, they all have a vehicle. Every fucking one of them. There are two good parking spaces in their driveway, two on the street in front of their house and everyone else just parks where the Hell they feel like it. The spill-over affects the neighbor across the street from them, the one across from me, my house and the house on the other side of them.
To make matters worse, though they are all adults my age or older, they act like they are still in high school. They still routinely use words such as “pimpin’” and “hos” while flashing fake gang signs. It’s all a pathetic attempt to emulate the rappers that they blare out their car windows at ungodly hours of the night.
Listen guys, you’re the wrong race and that crap sounds really stupid when it comes from a southern twang. You dress, talk and act like total jackasses. The only girl who hangs out with you is a prostitute (literally) and one of you has already been to jail. I didn’t call the cops the first time but, trust me, my trigger finger is itching to be the second.
It might be the only way to get some of you morons to move out of your parent’s garage. I’m sure that will make your parents very happy.
Neighbor #2
Once again, how many people live in your fucking house? Seriously. You moved in across the street after I had settled in but I know I haven’t met everyone over there and since there isn’t any obvious family connections I really can’t count. I see at least three small children, two teenage daughters, one being the aforementioned hooker, two moms and two dads. All of this in a house no bigger than my own.
Of course, I don’t have to worry too much about cars with your house. There’s only one. The other one in the driveway is for sale and doesn’t even start. I only know that because I happened to be getting the paper out of my yard when one of the men was trying in desperation to start it. A few minutes later I went back out to help, no one was around but the car had a “For Sale” sign in the windshield.
Classy.
I don’t have kids of my own but I’ve learned a great deal about how not to raise them by watching you and nearly running over two of yours at least six times. Good thing I drive slow, though I think my speed still exceeds the IQ of any of the young ones or their parents.
It never ceases to amaze me how you can stand on your porch, watch your kids play in the middle of the street with oncoming traffic and not say a word. I’m going to need new brakes at this pace because Jr. seems to think leaping out in front of a car is fun.
He’ll be glad to know that brain damage is a true joy as well.
Of course, the reason that they don’t play in the yard is because they’d get lost in your uncut grass. That yard was in better shape when no one lived there. Now it’s a jungle. On the upside, it means I don’t have to cut mine that often, I do it just because I’m nice.
Neighbors like you make me pine for the “For Sale” sign in the front yard. It at least didn’t leap into traffic on a whim.
Neighbor #3
I don’t have any real complaints about you. You’re a nice couple with a beautiful baby girl. You’re friendly, your house is well-kept and you make the whole neighborhood better. Hell, you’re probably a better neighbor than I am.
My only complaint about you is that your dog seems to think it’s a rooster and starts barking at sunrise every morning at sunup. Annoying, yes, but given the surroundings I can forgive it.
Just be warned though, next time I have a late night, I might be tempted to slip some tranquilizer in your dog’s water.
Conclusions
I love my house but I really wish I could move it the Hell away from the people I’m living next to. When I’m within the confines of my home, I’m the happiest person in the world. On my front porch, I’m immediately scrambling for real estate ads.
Of course, with neighbors number one, I have barely scratched the surface. I completely let out how the elderly mom is forced to cut the grass most times or how their dog nearly attacked trick or treaters on Halloween.
Stories for another day.
In the meantime, if someone has a spare bedroom. I’d like to crash there tonight, and the next night a few nights after that.
It’s only temporary, just until my neighbors move away.
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